today was blah.i basicly did NOTHING,all day, as usual.well technicly its friday.well so far today ive dont nothing too.but i decided to attempt a diet.ahah lets see how well that goes.right now im on bad terms with my mom.ive basicly lost all respect i have for her.which is unfortunate, cause i guesss i always wanted to my mom to be a role model.ha ill live.
uh yesterday me and chris got into it over aim.it was really this whole funny sarcastic deal.i mean it was all truthful, but it made me laugh.he said 'your life is really a waste, and your never going to impact anyone'.ahaha alright then.i really think he has some issues he needs to work out, and stop being so insecure.
tonight i was on my back porch sining and dancing.it made me feel better.
so its like national weed day or something.
i dont really celebrate this day, but later im going to be with kelsey.i havent seen her in like 3 weeks.ive missed her.


well im off to bed<3

well my mom is late getting home.last night was fun, madeine and i went to panera and laughed non stop about nothing.then made a music video for 'in the corner of my eye'.ha.today was normal.i slept till 3, woke up,and lays, and sat on this damn thing.Then i decided to watch still standing.I never realised how funny that show was.so now im just sitting here, hungry, and a knot in my stomach.
i hate the saying the things that hurt make you stronger, because currently they are making me weaker.i stood infront of the mirror in my living room this morning and talked to myself, and accepted all the things that were wrong with me,i sortof came to terms with myself.i admitted something hard,and looked at myself and accepted it.which felt good, but ill never be able to tell anyone else, being too afraid to loose my 'friends'.life goes on,but one day i will have to sacrifice these so called friends of mine, to really open up and be myself.i think that the only person that wpuld truely look at me and accept me is kelsey maybe a few others.i think madeline would be in severe shock, but she would get over it.
i accept myself.
but no one else accepts me.

my feelings for chris have basicly decreased to nothing.hes scum, really.i regret every night i sat on my bed begging to get him back, i regret every tear shed from my eyes, wishing he were still mine.i dont even know why my feelings for him were so great.he never really gave me anythign indifferant.i guess i was infatuated with the idea of recieving anytype of affection, and it bothered me i wasted 4 months on him.when clearly there were better guys out there.i guess i felt something when he accepted that i wasnt his age, and he forgave me for lying.i still think that he does care about me deep down, not im some shallow way, but he told me that he really did care about me, and even though we may say we despise wach other, i very well know i dont despise him, andi dont think he does me either.
he really is an incerible person.hes jsut changed alot, but thats something we all do.and i have top face that people wont stay the same forever, and feelings wont stay the same forever.

i didnt go to school today, i can already tell my mom si dissapointed, but this insomnia is killing me really.sleeping is no longer soemthing i want to do, i hate dreaming.dreams make me believe their is hope, for the hopeless.with certain people.i hate dreaming about the past, it really just makes things hurt worse, but i do have to sleep some, once i fully start pace.

its now 6:40.Im going to to indulge in soemthing fattning.